hmmm

i feel like i have this great picture of what my life is going to be like when i move to north carolina. that i'm gonna be able to see chris all the time and we're gonna be able to go places together and travel together, experience new things together.

but then i remember what his life is like. he stays up half the night and sleeps half the day away. i'm the type of person that goes to bed early, and wakes up early. he goes to bed late and wakes up late. we're very different in that way and i'm afraid that it's gonna have a toll on our relationship. i'm gonna want him up early hanging out and he'll be tired and wanting to sleep and he'll be sad when i want to go to bed early.

then there's taking care of his family. he can't just go out and do whatever he wants. yes his family is good about letting him get out with friends and go to church. but i know that it's gonna make things really hard. he can't just up and go out or go away for the weekend. he has to make sure it's ok with his family, that they'll be able to take care of themselves. i know that it'll make me sad a lot because there will be things we can't do because he has to be at home with his family. then if i get upset, he'll think i don't understand or that i'm mad at his family for being sick. i feel like he doesn't understand that i just get sad sometimes. and he can't make me any promises. it's always, oh we'll have to see. i can't promise anything, it depends on my family. and a lot of times that's frustrating for me. it makes me think that he can't commit, which i know isn't always the case, but sometimes i feel like he uses that as an excuse. it's hard not getting any promises from my boyfriend and i feel like he doesn't understand that.

it scares me to have a picture of what i think living out there will be like because i'm afraid that i'll be disappointed. it scares the crap out of me that i won't be happy because the idea i have of what things will be like, won't be true. i don't know how to get this idea out of my head, it's what i want. i want to be able to see chris when i want and be able to go places with him and take little mini vacations with him, but unless we plan it the day before we go, it doesn't look like those things will ever happen. everything is, we'll have to see when it gets closer. we can't plan this now, anything can happen between now and then. that's just never how i've lived my life. i'm a planner and i like to plan things. obviously if there's an emergency then you cancel, but i can't wait until the day before to plan anything.

like chris not getting his ticket to fly out here until like the week he comes. that's soooo hard for me because it makes me think that he's not gonna come. it makes me feel like a can't count on him, because he's not making any promises that he'll come out. it's just hard and i know i say this a lot, but i really don't feel like he understands how much a i think about and all of these things are always on my mind. it stresses me out and it scares me.

i hope one day he'll understand, really and truly understand, where i'm coming from.